Last night I found myself feeling uninspired so I did what I always do and flipped my copy of Old Friend from Far Away open to a random page and read what was there. This quote was staring me in the face and I was writing it down before I even had a chance to realize that I have already quoted it once right here.

“Don’t be hard on yourself...Allow the luxury of time, dreaming out the window, a little noodle walk through a dime store, then like a female lion after her prey, go directly into the animal art of pen across paper...

I know more but I don’t push it because there are things I don’t know that I want to come to me. I’m calling up understanding beyond myself. If I get too determined, too linear, I’ll miss the tugs of intuition at the periphery of my perceptions, the things I don’t want to say, the things I have never said...”

— Natalie Goldberg, "Old Friend from Far Away"

Maybe it's time for me to find some new books.

Either way, I feel this way every year and can't seem to escape it--September is here and there are pumpkin beers on draft everywhere but it's still too hot. Students are back in school and I am another year away from it all with dishes in the sink and essays I wish I had written months ago.

So I wait.

--

Currently I'm reading a collection of letters between Julia Child and Avis DeVoto and I'm simultaneously charmed and discouraged by their passion for food and politics and friendship and life and everything in between. Sometimes I wonder, did Julia ever have days or even weeks where she just didn't write a thing? Where she went to bed early and felt uninspired and grateful for takeout or leftovers?

I like to think that she sometimes woke up with a stuffy nose and a headache and decided to take a nap in the afternoon instead of folding laundry or working on her next project, which is exactly what I did yesterday.

"I'm enjoying it immensely, as I've finally found a real and satisfying profession which will keep me busy well into the year 2,000. But I wish I had started in when I was 14 yrs. old,." she wrote about the cooking classes she started teaching with two other women in France.

I feel that about my own life sometimes. But other times it is clouded by self-doubt and worry.

I think we'd all be a little more successful (and happy) if we could only get out of our own way.

When I was younger, my life motto was "let go and let God." It allowed me to give up worry while still letting me feel like I was in control. The whole point was to just be faithful that things would always work out the way they were supposed to, which for a young girl with a lot of faith and no real problems was actually quite easy.

Although my life has been a rather gentle ride so far, as I get older I cross paths with plenty of things to cause me worry. The deaths of family and friends. Illness. Anxiety. Changes in my family dynamic. And over the years it has become harder and harder for me to let go.

Last winter I wrote about the weirdness of being in a liminal space of non-transition after a whole life of changes. I have always been able to focus on the next thing, and I didn't realize it at the time but it was extremely therapeutic. Little stresses add up over time but focusing on the bigger picture always provides some much-needed perspective. And yet it's always easier to look back once the wedding is planned and the boxes are packed and you're finally feeling settled. So this year has been one of worry. 

But something changed for me a few months back--the realization that I couldn't worry anymore. I was making myself sick and nothing was changing. So I started taking things one day at a time. I let go. And while I'm no longer much of a religious person, I find myself more and more often praying for things to work out not the way I want them to, but the way they're supposed to. It's easier said than done, of course, but like meditation or yoga, it's a practice that I have applied thoughtfully to my life. Things will change one day. But probably not today. So take a deep breath and banish your misgivings for as long as you can.

Stand up in the presence of whatever's in front of you. Feel it. Let it wash over you if you must. And then just let it go.

It is absolutely bizarre to me that it has been two years since I quit my 9-5 to pursue blogging as a career. I thought it might be fun if I shared a few things I've learned these past twenty-four months, because like most things in life, I think they apply to more than just one kind of person:

Goal setting is powerful. Last year I sat down at the beginning of every month and made a list of ten goals--it was amazing. Just make sure they're SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound.

You don't have to be working all the time. Give yourself some time to take a breather. This has been my biggest struggle--I always feel like I need to prove myself in some way, which means that I'm often working even when I'm not really working, which is such an annoying thing to say (and do). Everyone's schedules are different, though, and just because a person takes time to really relax one day doesn't mean they don't work hard the other days.

You can do so much more with a little help from others. Just ask. I don't even want to talk about how many things I've probably missed out on because I was afraid to hear "no." 

Your life--your family, relationships, health, and happiness--matter so much more than anything else. When I finished grad school I was in a panic to find a job, and when I got one that I liked, I felt so incredibly lucky. After a while that job didn't feel like such a great fit anymore, and when Rob got the Minneapolis offer I spent so much time worrying about what would happen if I left this company, even though I didn't really love it. 

I wanted so badly for everything to work out in a way that just wasn't possible--in my head, Rob and I could live in Minnesota and I would somehow keep my job (even though they weren't willing to let me work remotely). I felt like I was letting the company down by leaving after just a year, but looking back now I realize that no one was judging me for anything, and that you should never feel bad about living according to your priorities. Blogging for work has given me a lot of freedom in my personal life, and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. It's something I'm still working on.

Just go for it. I think the best things in life tend to be really scary at first. Stretch your comfort zone. Learn to use that camera, pitch that idea at work, go out of your way to make something good happen for yourself.

The other day someone was talking to me about applying for a job they weren't sure they'd get, which was causing them to spend too much time stressing over their resume and it just reminded me that we all have to start somewhere. The majority of what I've learned these past two years happened after I decided to go for it, not before. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and then work your butt off. Don't be afraid to start small--big things can come from anywhere.

And finally, your life doesn't have to look like anyone else's. Simple, but true.

Photo by Sarah Gatrell for Freckled Italian.