The Lights and Buzz

In the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college, I broke up with a guy that I had been seeing for seven months and I felt terrible about it. "I'm making plans not to make plans while I'm here," my away message on AIM stated. I really thought I meant it, too. Because what could be more true than an away message composed of song lyrics?

For as long as I can remember, I've been planning something. I applied to colleges in high school, then picked one and went after I graduated. I chose classes and planned a schedule every semester. Then I graduated and moved, and started a new job, and began graduate school, where I once again chose classes and planned a schedule and left work one half hour early every Wednesday evening.

Then Rob graduated from college and he began graduate school, so we both packed up and moved to Charlottesville, where he chose classes and planned a schedule and I served lattes every morning and wrote my master's thesis every afternoon, wondering what in the world life might look like for someone who isn't a student.

And then there was a year of working full-time and being in a long-distance relationship, where life was about planning the next trip to see each other, or where we might be this time next year, and if we should get the white or the black kitchen table.

We planned our wedding, and a move from Minneapolis to Charlotte. Bridal showers, bachelor parties, boxes. It was 200 days until this and your lease starts on August first. I had a checklist for everything and a ton of excitement and anticipation packed into every moment of my day.

Now that we are here and settled, I'm finding myself wondering what every day life should look like. Planning a fun weekend away but absolutely treasuring our uneventful nights of Netflix on the couch and Thai takeout that we say we aren't going to get but almost always end up picking up anyway. A life of top knots and an early bedtime and leggings, but also an aggressive list of goals that I sit down to write at the beginning of every month. Brewing coffee in the morning while my husband is still in bed. And making plans not to make plans, as true or false as it may be at any moment.