It’s been a really wonderful year.

In a lot of ways, I have felt unstable and overwhelmed, but I found ways to ground myself, to keep breathing, to keep working, to trust, to settle down and find stability around me and within me. We traveled a lot, then stayed put for the holidays and took a much-needed rest. I got back in the studio and started teaching again, but haven’t yet found the time for consistent writing, blogging, and food photography, which are ever-present on my list of goals and getting a little tired of being ignored.

I kept the house clean, read a few books, started working out regularly, went to bed earlier, woke up earlier, found time for myself, got the dog enough exercise, and watched our daughter grow and learn more than ever.

So now that I feel like my feet are more firmly planted on the ground than they have been in a while, I’ve decided to focus on a new word for a new year:

Grow

Out of my comfort zone, into new skills, new experiences. To grow as a person, as a mom, as a wife and friend, as myself. To stop saying no to things I want or things that would be good for me because I’m afraid it will disrupt my peaceful little bubble. (Honestly learning about my enneagram type has opened my eyes to why I do some of the things that I do and it’s been pretty amazing.) I want to learn to extend myself without feeling stretched too thin. To bend and not break.

2020 has such a nice ring to it—I’m excited to make the most of it.

Two years ago, at 5:30 AM after two and a half days of labor, our daughter was placed into my arms for the first time.

I am a different person than I was two years ago this morning—in a lot of ways I am softer, quicker to tears and bubbling over with feelings; but in even more ways I am stronger, more capable and organized and willing to speak up when I need to. I am less willing to waste time, and I want things to be worth it, and I don’t care about anything as much as I care about my family.

I worry about things beyond my control, and I also worry about things I myself can manage. My abs are slightly less separated but my heart remains cracked open, spilling over with warm post-nap snuggles and fresh-from-the-bath baby skin, with skinned knees and playground slides and running, jump-into-my-arms hugs, with endless verses of “The Wheels on the Bus” and the tiniest little voice chirping up when I least expect it with a sweet “mama, I love you.”

I have also made a lot of chicken nuggets.

Two years ago I had no idea that the sleepy little newborn in the bassinet beside me would grow up to be the spunky, silly, sweet toddler who brightens our days and climbs everything and challenges me in ways I didn’t know was possible. Motherhood so far for me has been the most incredible, rewarding, difficult, and somehow also instinctual thing I’ve ever experienced. Every day I try to be the kind of mom that Sophie deserves—and for the most part that has brought out the best in me.

Sometimes I feel like I am slowly becoming my “old self” again, finding time here and there for myself and picking up a book every few days instead of every few months. But most of the time it is apparent that this woman—the one who scrambles cheesy eggs and spreads butter onto toast and cuts apple slices into matchsticks just in case, who reads Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? too many times to count, who checks the baby monitor before she falls asleep one more time just to see her daughter again—is who I’m supposed to be; at least right now. She is growing so fast and learning so much every day and I don’t want to miss a minute of it.

Two years ago I held our little baby in my arms as they wheeled me from labor and delivery to the maternity wing of the hospital, and I looked down at her face and couldn’t believe she was ours. Even now, two years later I sometimes look at her and am completely awestruck that she didn’t exist and then one day, she just did. I couldn’t be more grateful.

Happy birthday, baby girl. We love you so much.

• Fleabag. I have been watching the same three shows pretty much on repeat forever, and Rob and I finally started a few new-to-us things recently and holy crap. This show was ridiculously good—I seriously can’t stop thinking about it. Honestly it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen. (Next up is to continue with The Wire, which I started with Rob a long time ago but never really got into. We also recently finished Big Mouth which had us laughing so hard.)

• CBD oil. I guess the theme of this post is “things I’ve been meaning to try and finally have,” because CBD has been on my radar for months but I just felt too intimidated and overwhelmed by all the information and options out there to really give it a try. Luckily I was introduced to Equilibria, which is a woman-run company that makes CBD totally accessible and user-friendly. I’m currently working on a bigger blog post where I go into my experience with CBD and answer some frequently asked questions, but if you’re interested in trying out CBD yourself, you can save 15% off your first order with my referral link (or you can use the code FRECKLEDITALIAN). If you have CBD questions, let me know and I’ll include them in the upcoming post! For the past month I have been using the capsules, daily drops, and relief cream and I really like all of it but especially love the daily drops (300 mg/30 ml)—I just ordered a second bottle and started a monthly subscription.

• CrossFit. Barre has been my jam for years, but I really don’t get to take class as often as I’d like to. I had thought about returning to CrossFit here and there over the years, but on a whim at the end of July I joined the gym closest to my house and decided to start going 3-4 times a week, first thing in the morning. It has made such a difference and I go to bed most nights excited about my workout the next morning. I still get to take class at Pure Barre once or twice a week in between the classes that I teach.

• Reading. Currently on my nightstand (affiliate links): You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me, The Whole Brain Child, and at least one book from the Harry Potter series. Next on my list: Over the Top by Jonathan Van Ness.

• J is for Jicama. My brother, his girlfriend, Rob, and I randomly started this little project as a creative outlet and it has been so fun. I’ll share more about it later, but the main gist of it is that every week we share a new illustration (Jane is seriously so talented) from a virtual alphabet book we created—the first one is all junk food. A few people have inquired about purchasing prints of the artwork, so we’re actually looking into that now—hopefully we’ll have some options for people before the holiday season kicks off.

• Not traveling—we have flown so much with Sophie over the past almost-two years and we have no plans to go anywhere at least until next year (at least not on a plane). We may go to Tahoe for a long weekend sometime this winter, but we’re home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year and I couldn’t be happier to just get back into the swing of our everyday routine.

• Fall weather. It has been so nice here lately. We are having a warm week right now but hopefully we’ll be back to cooler temps shortly. I love nothing more than cozying up with my sweet family on an autumn afternoon or weekend—soup! Tea! Blankets!

What have you guys been up to lately? What are you into right now?