Now that we're on more of a schedule, one of my favorite parts of the day is after Sophie's bath when we sit in the rocking chair together as I feed her before reading her a story. We have so many great books and it's so fun to see her looking at the pages and listening to the words. I loved sharing these books with you last time so I'm back again with an updated list of books I can't wait to read to our daughter:

• Stellaluna: This is one of my all-time favorite books from when I was a kid. The illustrations are gorgeous and I just loved Stellaluna so much. I can't wait to read this one to Sophie soon.
• Press Here: I haven't read this one yet but I love interactive books like this. We have a farm animals book with different little swatches on each page and it's so fun to let her touch them.
• What Do You Believe? and The Kid's Book of World Religions: On Easter this year I wondered how we would celebrate when she's older--Rob and I both grew up Catholic and I was really involved in my church, but that's not the case for me anymore. I want to acknowledge what we believe, but I also want Sophie to know there are a lot of other ways people have a relationship with God (or not). These books seem like a good place to start that conversation.
• Here We Are: Notes for Living on Planet Earth: This one is in my Amazon cart ready to go. I just think it looks so beautiful and sweet--it's one of those books I wish I had had when I was younger.
• Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History: I am obsessed with this book--I think I read that it's coming in a board book format soon and I might get that one, too (Sophie loves books but she's a little young to sit still long enough for a non-picture book at this point). The illustrations are beautiful and I love having the opportunity to introduce her to so many badass women of color.

That's all for now! As always I'd love to hear any recommendations from you--I'm always on the hunt for a new book!

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I wasn't originally planning to write a birth story--when I was pregnant I found them to be really stressful and anxiety-inducing to read. Then I gave birth and found myself almost obsessively reading any that I could find--I think it's because I had my own experience now and could look back on it happily instead of anticipating it with uncertainty. (Plus, a lot of you asked me to share mine.)

So here I am today, writing the story of Sophie's birth. It was long and hard but I looked back on it almost immediately with nothing but gratitude.

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By the time the last two weeks of my pregnancy rolled around I was so ready to go--I had finished all the work I had set out to finish, I taught my last Pure Barre class, the house was clean, our hospital bag was more or less packed, and I was getting more uncomfortable by the hour.

Rob's team at work threw him a surprise shower on Thursday the 16th of November, and his last day before paternity leave was that Friday. My left hip was bothering me so much that I was limping around, but I drove to his office, hobbled to the party, and then dragged myself around the house all weekend in between naps. On Saturday the 18th of November I woke up with some slight cramping, but it wasn't anything intense enough to get excited about. They felt like period cramps that went away after a few minutes, and they came and went every few hours. 

We had a couple's massage scheduled for that afternoon so we went to that and I tried to relax. We came home and went to our favorite pizza place for dinner, which we can walk to from our house. We got our usual order--pepperoni and a chicken tikka (it's an Indian pizza place and it's the best), and I remember wondering if the spiciness of the tikka pizza might bring on more contractions. I think I had a root beer, too.

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I went to bed that night and woke up really early Sunday morning with more "cramps." I figured they were contractions since they were coming and going with some regularity, but there was this big part of me that was in denial that I could actually be in labor--the whole thing felt too surreal. I texted my aunt Joanne to give her an update (she was going to be our doula support so I was trying to give her a heads up of when she might want to come over) and mentioned that they were coming every 20 minutes or so, but I kept calling them cramps instead of contractions.

I got in my car and went to Whole Foods because Rob and I had decided the night before that we wanted to make peppermint mochas, but we didn't have any peppermint syrup; I also wanted to get some brewers yeast for the no-bake lactation bites that I now eat all the time, as well as some witch hazel and aloe to make frozen pads for when I got home from the hospital. I laugh now looking back at the guy who had to help me find everything--I was this super pregnant woman waddling around with a limp, stopping every few minutes in between contractions, trying to find the weirdest combination of products.

I don't remember what I had for lunch but I do remember being in enough pain that I was starting to lose my appetite before dinner--we went to Target for one of those big balls you sit on (I thought it would be great for labor at home--really I just wanted to get out of the house as much as possible, even though getting in and out of the car was kind of brutal). I barely remember walking around the aisles of Target, but after that we stopped at a bakery nearby to pick up some bagels (which we ended up throwing away when we got home from the hospital because they were totally stale) and then got fried chicken from Popeyes, which I've only had two times--both very late in my third trimester.

I don't think I ate much of my dinner, and around 8:00 or 9:00 PM I asked my aunt when she thought she should come over. I think I was watching The Office or Friends or Parks & Rec on Netflix, lying down through contractions because I wasn't really sure what else to do. They were super painful and I remember taking big, slow, deep breaths through each one. I was using an app to time them and at one point it told me to go to the hospital, then a few minutes later said I might be in false labor, so after a while I stopped using the app. I knew my aunt would be there soon and she'd have a better idea of how I was progressing and when it was time to leave the house.

Joanne got to our place around 10, and I was in the middle of a contraction right as she walked in. Rob was holding me up and I was breathing deeply and immediately she sprang into action, telling us how awesome we were doing already. She came over to me and said "you look just like my mom!" which I'll always remember--I never really got to know my grandma Eileen but I’ve always felt a connection to her. From there we did a lot of hanging out--she recommended we keep using heat on my back, which was really starting to bother me. The night before I had filled up one of Rob's socks with rice and was heating it up in the microwave every hour or so. She gave me back massages while Rob held my hands and I tried to sit on the ball we bought at Target (maybe this works for some people but I found the lower I sat during contractions, the worse they felt). I paced around my house, got in and out of the tub, napped for a few minutes here and there in one of our armchairs, and tried to drink as much water as I could. I spent a lot of time in our hallway with my arms up against the wall, trying to rock back and forth between contractions. I quickly learned that the length of each contraction was enough time to take 10 big breaths in and out, so I'd breathe and count them out, which helped a lot. I also loved the thought that there were only so many contractions I would have before Sophie was born, and each time I had one there was one less to go.

My aunt stayed up with me and around midnight or 1:00 AM we told Rob to go to bed and get some sleep. He and Ender went into our bedroom and Joanne and I did more of the same--walking, talking, breathing--until about 6:00 AM. I was so glad to have her there with us so that at least one of us could get some rest--if we had been alone I definitely would have gone to the hospital too early just because I didn't know if what was happening was normal or not. It was amazing to have her there, especially because she was there when I was born.

It was a long night but it also felt like it went by in a pretty quick blur. The sun was coming up slowly and we made some tea and I tried to eat one of the gluten-free pumpkin muffins I had made earlier that weekend, but it was making me feel worse. At one point in the night I had a contraction that made me puke and I managed to pull a muscle in my side or throw out a rib or something, so on top of labor pains and what we found out later was back labor, I had pretty excruciating rib pain as well. I can't remember if it was before or after Rob had gone to bed but I think he was there--I started crying because I was mad about my rib and he held me while Joanne sweetly reminded me that it was okay to cry, so I really cried for a few minutes.

My contractions were every 5 minutes or so and had been for hours, but they weren't getting any closer together or stronger. I was starting to get a little antsy so we decided to wake Rob up, take Ender for a walk, and head to the hospital. Rob called our midwife to let her know what was going on and that we were planning to come in soon and she said she'd be there (she only works in L&D a few times a week, which we knew going in). After our walk we fed Ender and said bye to him before putting him in his crate and I got absolutely overwhelmed at the thought that this was our last moment as a family of three. I kissed his face and pet him and told him I loved him, and from there I was super emotional the whole way to the hospital. I texted my cousins who were going to stay at our house with the pup and a few people back home to tell them we were on our way to the hospital, and we drove to Stanford listening to the birth playlist I had put together, which I had already listened to the night before.

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I felt like I had worked pretty hard all night, and I was nervous that when they got me admitted I'd only be a few centimeters dilated or less, but our midwife checked me and said I was 4 1/2 or 5 centimeters, which was music to my ears. It was between 9:00 and 10:00 on Monday morning, November 20th. They got me in a room and hooked me up to some monitors and an IV and from there we did a lot more waiting, walking, and breathing. I never really had a birth plan other than to just see how it went and possibly deliver without meds, but I wanted to be open to an epidural later if things got too hard. The nurses and doctors were really supportive (although our first nurse annoyed the hell out of me because she was super chatty and seemed to only have a question when I was in the middle of a contraction--I think at one point I said "I just need you to not talk to me right now."), and I enjoyed being able to get up and move around, go to the bathroom, and walk around the L&D floor with Rob and my aunt.

I don't remember when I started really going downhill but after quite a few hours my rib and lower back were hurting so much I was starting to panic. They gave me a lidocaine patch for the rib and it helped a little, but Sophie was posterior so every time I had a contraction I was having really sharp pain in my lower back. I was about 7 centimeters at this point (probably 7:00 or 8:00 PM--it starts getting hazy from here) and really feeling overwhelmed. My water hadn't broken so they went ahead and broke it for me, and at one point they came in and wanted to put a monitor on the baby's head because her heart rate was dropping and they wanted to keep an eye on it. I don't remember when this happened (it might have all been one visit with the water breaking and the moitor) but at one point a bunch of doctors came in and were putting oxygen on me and messing with the monitor that was on Sophie and not doing a great job explaining what was going on. I had a bit of a fever and my blood pressure was higher than they wanted, so they re-hooked me to the IV and pushed fluids, which helped. The oxygen mask was really bugging me and I was pretty upset that they had freaked me out so much when really it turned out that I was just dehydrated, but I forgot about it before long.

They decided to give me pitocin to make my contractions stronger and closer together to see if I'd dilate those final few centimeters. It was a lot without pain meds and I was exhausted and felt really overwhelmed about the thought of pushing--the contractions were really difficult but I knew that the really hard work was still ahead of me. My aunt asked if there was anything they could give me for pain and our nurse (a new one at this point, thankfully) offered fentanyl, which is a narcotic given through the IV. I jumped at the chance for some relief, so they gave me my first dose and I immediately started dozing off. It only lasts about an hour so I rested during that time and asked for more as soon as it wore off. They can only give you three doses and I gladly took all three--for three hours or so I was relaxed and managed to nap a bit and even at one point told Rob "I can understand how people get hooked on this stuff," which I'm sure any nurse or doctor nearby didn't appreciate.

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I should mention at this point that I only avoided an epidural because I'm terrified of needles (like, top 3 biggest fears in my life) and the thought of the procedure totally freaked me out. I'm a little crunchy and loved the thought that my body was made for labor and that I had every ability to birth this baby, but doing it unmedicated for the sake of being able to say I did it wasn't a huge priority of mine. A few more hours passed without much change and I told Rob I was really scared. My back and rib pain was back and the drugs had worn off and I still wasn't dilated enough to start pushing, so I started to panic. Joanne came over to me and said "maybe now is a good time to revisit the idea of an epidural," which was all I needed to change my mind. I asked if they numbed you first (silliest priority ever looking back at how much pain I was already in) and asked Rob if he thought I should do it or not. Within five minutes of deciding I wanted it, the anesthesiologists were in the room getting everything ready. They asked my aunt to leave the room and Rob and I had little hair nets on and I was sitting on the side of the bed with my feet on Rob's lap as he held my hands. It was 11:30 PM and we looked at the clock and laughed thinking about how Sophie was going to be born on her due date after all (I had spent the whole weekend in labor thinking she'd be at least a day or two early).

I felt them giving me a few shots to numb the area on my back but it was nothing worth freaking out over, and they told me I might feel some pressure but I didn't even feel a thing. Once everything was placed I said "okay I'm about to have another contraction" and braced myself for it but I barely felt it, and they lay me back down and I fell asleep right away. My aunt and Rob also took a nap and about an hour later they came in to check me again and I was 10 centimeters and it was time to get her out of there. I was actually more proud of myself for getting the epidural than I would have been for forcing myself to push through simply because I was afraid of it. Such a sweet surprise. (And SO WORTH IT, my goodness.)

The nurse came in with a bar for me to hold onto and she told me what to do. I pushed a few times but didn't really feel like anything was happening. The epidural was doing a great job and I really only felt pressure with each contraction, but it was still kind of hard to tell what was going on down there. The next two hours flew by and a doctor came in to talk to me about a C-section. They said she wasn't progressing enough and they were concerned about her heart rate and my temperature, but I remember the nurse telling me her head was right there. The resident who was talking to me said she'd be back in with papers to sign and I felt really defeated in that moment--I had no idea it wasn't going well.

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Another doctor came in (I later learned that she was an attending who I think had to sign off on the C-section that the resident had suggested), basically stuck her hand inside me and said "Megan! She is right here, I can feel her--you can do this let's do it!" and the entire vibe of the room changed. People started moving things around and the doctor sat down like she had no intentions of wheeling me into an OR, and I pushed for two more hours (which honestly only felt like 10 minutes to me) before Sophie finally came out. 

Rob cut the cord and they handed her to me and I was just absolutely blown away by how real she was. I will never forget having our daughter in my arms for the first time, looking up at Rob with tears in his eyes, and hearing him say "I am so proud of you." I knew I was exhausted but finally being done with all of it felt so good, and I was basically just running on adrenaline the entire time. They took her away for a few minutes to check her out and clean her off, and the amazing doctor who delivered her gave me a few stitches. My aunt pulled her aside before she left and basically said "You changed this woman's life today," which couldn't be more true.

It was a long labor and there were times where I didn't know what was going on, but overall I left the delivery room feeling strong and happy and like I had been taken care of. I would have been upset if I had to have a C-section, but it truly wouldn't have mattered at the end of the day as long as Sophie was safely delivered--but I was so incredibly relieved that it wasn't an intervention we ended up needing to make. Rob was incredible, my aunt was incredible, and I'll forever look back on those two and a half days of contractions and four hours of pushing as something magical.

Sophie was born on Tuesday, November 21, 2017 at 5:30 AM and weighed 8 pounds exactly. She was 21 inches long and had a full head of hair, just like I did. She changed my life and I'm so glad she's ours.

For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.

I never really bought into the idea of a “fourth trimester” of pregnancy, but now that I have a three-month-old I really see how those first three months postpartum can feel a lot like a continuation of everything you went through in the nine months before. Obviously you aren’t pregnant anymore, but your body is still going through a ton of changes and every day there’s something new, either with you or this new little human.

Here's a look at those first few months for us:

Postpartum Symptoms:

• My heartburn went away within a day of Sophie being born. My skin also started clearing up right away.

• I had seriously crazy night sweats for at least a month. I would wake up completely drenched and have to change clothes.

• When I was pregnant, I started having low back and hip pain (mostly on the left side). After Sophie was born, the pain was on the right side and got so bad that I was limping around and at one point couldn't even walk. I started seeing a chiropractor and after about a month the pain went away and my hips started feeling normal again. She said it was probably from the relaxin, which is the hormone that gets released to loosen up your ligaments in preparation for birth.

• My stomach was super squishy and it turns out that I had some ab separation. I felt like I had lost every bit of ab strength and it felt so weird. It's gotten a bit better but I actually probably need to see a physical therapist to fix it.

• Right before Christmas I wound up with a slight case of mastitis, which was kind of scary--I had a really high fever and body aches and chills. I totally thought I was getting the flu, but luckily my midwife wrote me a prescription for antibiotics and it cleared right up.

• At right about 3 months postpartum my hair has started falling out in pretty sizeable clumps.

Food/Diet:

• I finally had my cold turkey sandwich (along with a spicy tuna roll) for breakfast in the hospital after Sophie was born (she was born at 5:30 AM).

• I've been so focused on producing enough milk for Sophie that I haven't really been counting calories or anything, although I am starting to try to cut out treats and processed snacks. I was absolutely starving the first few weeks of nursing, and there are still days where I feel like I could eat everything in my kitchen, but for the most part my day looks like this:

  • Oatmeal for breakfast, then a latte after I've pumped some milk.

  • String cheese, hard-boiled eggs, or veggies with Ranch as a snack.

  • A big salad with turkey or a turkey wrap/sandwich for lunch.

  • One of these no-bake lactation bites as a snack.

  • Meat and veggies, maybe some rice for dinner.

  • Usually some cookies, chocolate chips, or something else sweet (this is what I'm slowly cutting down on).

• Overall I'm trying to make healthy choices when I can and be kind to myself when I'm craving something or feeling insatiable--breastfeeding is no joke! I still have 15-20 pounds to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight but I'm trying to take my time with it so I don't screw up my supply, as frustrating as that can be sometimes.

• I drink a ton of water—I’m always thirsty.

• While I was pregnant I was eating a lot more gluten than usual and it wasn’t bothering me like it used to. I thought after the baby came my stomach might start bugging me again but it hasn’t, so I’ve been enjoying the occasional burger with a bun or toast, etc. I don’t really understand it but I’m all about it.

Exercise:

• I tried to go on a run about 4 weeks pospartum and it wasn't super successful--I felt really weak and I was still in a lot of pain, so I decided to wait until my 6 week check up to start exercising agin. I did do a 30-40 second plank every day and some push-ups here and there, but otherwise I tried to rest. It was really hard for me to be so inactive, even when I was recovering from the birth.

• Now I run 2-3 times a week with Ender, and we walk 30-40 minutes a day.

• I try to take at least 1 barre class a week, sometimes 2. My friend Mary (who owns the studio where I teach) will occasionally come in one day during the week and watch Sophie so I can take a lunchtime class, which is so nice.

• I'd like to join the YMCA but the branch nearest me doesn't have childwatch, which is really my biggest need right now. I've been doing a lot of at-home stuff like squats and lunges, and this spring we're planning to buy a few things to set up a little at-home gym in our garage.

New Rituals/About Our "Schedule:"

• I take a shower every night before bed. It's not much, but it's kind of my "me time" that I can count on every day no matter what.

• I started pumping a few weeks after Sophie was born so Rob could give her a bedtime bottle and I could go to sleep earlier. I chose a pump (the Freemie Freedom pump) through my insurance because some people in a Facebook group I'm part of mentioned that they liked it and for a couple months I thought I liked it too, having nothing to compare it to. But after a while I realized it wasn't the best--it leaked all the time, it was slow and loud, and because it goes inside your bra, you can't see how much you're pumping, which wouldn't be an issue but if it's not on perfectly it just doesn't work, so a lot of the time I'd be "pumping" for half an hour and take it out to find absolutely no milk. (I may or may not have cried over this in the past.)

  • Lansinoh sent me their SmartPump to try (you'll see a sponsored post on my Instagram feed about it soon), and it has been a game-changer. I used to think I could only pump 2-4 ounces a day because I was feeding Sophie so much, but now I still feed her on demand and manage to pump 8-10 ounces in a day (usually over 3 pumping sessions). It's enough for a nighttime bottle and a few ounces for the freezer.

• I'm exclusively breastfeeding Sophie and it's going pretty well! I had to use a nipple shield for a long time because she wasn't latching without it. For a while I wanted to drop it but she would get really frustrated when I tried to get her to latch without it, so after a while (and some encouragement from friends who also had to use the shield in the past) I decided to just commit to using it and letting her tell me when she was done with it. Right around 3 months she started latching on her own and now we rarely use the shield--it's been really nice to know I can feed her when I'm out and about and not have to dig through my bag or worry about packing one more thing.

Sleep:

• When we first came home from the hospital Sophie was sleeping great, and we'd sometimes have to wake her up to eat. She was hungry every 2-3 hours, so we had the crib next to our bed and I'd get her up and go to the nursery to feed her. Then she stopped sleeping in the crib even for 20 minutes, so for most of December and January we had to basically take turns holding her, which was brutal. We got a different bassinet with a newborn insert (this one) and she liked it a lot more--it didn't happen overnight but eventually she started sleeping longer stretches (2-3 hours for sure, sometimes 5-6). I think it was a combination of the new bassinet and just letting her take her time. Easier said than done, I know, but I think time was a big factor.

• I'm hoping to start a real bedtime routine with Sophie soon, where we actually put her down in the crib and let her fall asleep on her own, but for now I nurse her until she dozes off and we put her in the Rock N Play and watch TV together for a while before I hit the hay and Rob stays up a few more hours before giving her a bottle and putting her to bed in the bedside bassinet. She sleeps from 9 or 10 PM, has her bottle between 11:30 and 12:30, then sleeps again until 6 or 7 AM, although last week she was getting me up to nurse a lot more than usual through the night.

• Sophie naps pretty regularly and I'm starting to think about getting her on a daily schedule, but I'm still not sure. For some reason this whole eat-wake-sleep thing really stresses me out so we're still just kind of feeding her and playing with her and letting her sleep whenever. I'd love to hear any of your experiences or methods if you have them!

Lifesavers/Tips and Tricks/Products We Love:

• We have an Amazon subscription for diapers, wipes, toilet paper, dog food, and paper towels. We also get espresso delivered every month from Four Barrel Coffee. We used InstaCart (that's a referral link that'll give you $10 off your first order) to deliver groceries a few times when Rob first went back to work and I wasn't sure how to navigate the grocery store on my own with the baby. It is really nice to never have to worry about picking up the things we get delivered from Amazon though, especially since they're the things we go through most regularly. And it's amazing always having really fresh coffee.

• My friend Teri sent us a package with some baby stuff from BeautyCounter, and Sophie absolutely loves this baby balm after a bath. It's so cute.

I think that's it for now! If you have questions let me know! I've had some people request a breastfeeding post, so I'd love to hear questions about that or any more specific ideas for other motherhood/baby posts. I love sharing this stuff and I love hearing from you too, so please feel free to chime in with some of your own experiences! 

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