Five Things I Never Did Until I Had a Baby

Before I had a kid, I never…

Googled if a baby counts as a passenger in the carpool lane.
Peeled and cut a grape.
Wished my husband had boobs.
Wondered if a a baby would choke on a chocolate chip or would it just melt? (Not that I’ve ever stuffed chocolate chips into my mouth while holding my sleeping infant and dropped a handful onto their face…that would be ridiculous.)
Used my teeth to trim someone’s nails.

And now, a few from you guys:

“Went to the bathroom at EVERY store.”
“Peed while wearing a person.”—I relate to this one too much.
“Went so long without washing my hair.”—Amen.
“Paid so much attention to the color and consistency of poop.”
“Realized that men’s bathrooms don’t usually have changing stations…dads change babies too!”—This drives me nuts!
“Washed my hands 30 times a day!”
“Thought I’d be willing to suck snot from someone else’s nostrils through a short tube.”
“Peed with an audience.”
“Felt a weird camaraderie and affection for complete and total strangers…i.e. when I see a woman with similar age babies out and about…I know her day is most likely extremely similar to mine.”—I thought about this the other day when I was pushing a shopping cart with Sophie in it through the parking lot; a woman with a newborn looked at me and said “I’m ready for that stage!” and I knew exactly what she meant.
“Tic tac toed out of a bedroom trying to avoid the squeaky floorboards!”—Every night.
“Scooped poop out of the bathtub with my bare hand.”