Sometimes I wonder what type of mother I'll be. And then I get worried.
"Normal fear protects us; abnormal fear paralyzes us. Normal fear motivates us to improve our individual and collective welfare; abnormal fear constantly poisons and distorts our inner lives. Our problem is not to be rid of fear, but rather to harness and master it." --Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm afraid of a lot of things. I feel the need to understand all the time. I can't go on the metro in DC. When something terrible happens, like the movie theater shooting in Colorado or the mall shooting in Portland or this most recent school shooting in Connecticut, I start changing my habits. We can rent that movie. I can buy those shoes online. I could totally just home-school my kids!
But then I would have a family who pretty much never leaves the house. Sometimes, as scary as it may be to admit it, I understand how people can develop agoraphobia. I love this world and everything it has to offer, and I love being in it, but some days it just feels easier to stay home.
If I feel anxious, scared, or sad about life then I at least want to learn something from it. But sometimes that lesson doesn't show up. And when twenty children go to school one morning and don't come home, the moral of the story--if it's even on its way-- feels very far from us.
My heart is broken for everyone who has been affected by the violence this year--for everyone whose holidays will be different and sad this month. There is never a good or easy time to lose someone that you love. I am so, so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you all.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18