It's bizarre, to simultaneously feel completely hopeless about one thing and so incredibly blessed about everything else. But I think that's just how life is sometimes.

To say that we stayed in this weekend would be an understatement. On Saturday afternoon Rob, Sean, and I ventured out to the mall to do some Christmas shopping and literally bought one thing before looking at puppies and then going home. Not productive. At home, we watched movies and ate a huge seafood dinner of scallops, lobster, and shrimp with my parents. We sat on the couch by the fire on Sunday morning and drank tea. Sunday afternoon brought a cooking marathon between my mother and I, and then Rob and I took a walk down to the dock and sat on the boat for a while.

I spent so many moments this weekend looking around me and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. This family, this man, this food and these things that I sometimes take for granted without a thought. I feel so, so lucky for this life I've been given.

A few weekends ago I drove to Farmville, where I studied English as an undergraduate student, and I was hit with so much nostalgia along the way. That drive down 460 East is one that made me who I am today--the curves and stop lights and long straightaways lead to a place where I read hundreds of pages a week, made some of the best friends, finally understood what kind of person I wanted to be, and eventually met Rob at a Halloween party six miles down the road.

Every time I visit, I drive that road and think about fall and winters past, about the semester I read Clarissa, about the amazing friendships I made, about  broken hearts that healed and made me thankful,  about that one overlapping year where Sean and I were at school together; our standing lunch dates where we would eat soup and grilled turkey sandwiches dipped in honey mustard, his visits to my place from his dorm room to do laundry and homework with me, and that overwhelming reminder of the gift that your brother is one of your best friends.

There are so many roads that make me think--the road from Roanoke to Charlottesville and back, the road I drive every morning from my parents' house to downtown Roanoke where I went to high school and now work, the drive from downtown to Hollins where I went to graduate school. All of these roads that signify seasons of my life that have passed, but that I still hold onto with some of the best memories.

When I drive to Northern Virginia to visit Rob, or when we meet somewhere in the middle, I like to picture a day when we wake up every Saturday morning, cozy and settled together in our own permanent home, looking back on those days that we used to travel so much to be together.

Life sometimes puts a lot of miles between where one is and where they'll end up.

I'm getting there.

Every few weeks or so, I wake up and proceed to have The Worst Morning In The History Of Ever. I'm groggy, my stomach is acting insane and I don't know why, and I look in the mirror to discover an angry-looking zit near the corner of my mouth. 

Then, it's time to figure out what I'm wearing, and nothing seems to fit right. I hate it all. My shoes pinch my toes, the zipper on the dress I had picked out is broken, and I actually start to throw stuff around like a little brat. Nothing is working, I whine, and I don't cry, but I feel like screaming. My hair is a mess and I should have washed it last night but I didn't, so now I have to wear it up high on my head and just hope for the best.

I make coffee and spill it all over my car. And then it's 7:30 and I usually leave by 7:15 and then there are school buses stopping traffic on every street because school is back in session and I forgot.

Nothing is working.

This is the worst morning, ever.

Do you know how stupid that is? Plenty of things are working. My legs, for example. And my brain. And that morning, I continued to breathe and I woke up to another day. I got into a car that I own and it started and I drove myself to a job that I really like. I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I talked on the phone with a man who I love and who loves me back. And then I spent time with my parents, and we sat outside and looked at the lake and I took a shower and got in my own comfortable bed in a big safe house, because I am lucky.

I'll try not to forget again.