This weekend Rob and I spent a lot of time in our garage, getting rid of things and finally unpacking a few boxes that have been camped out since we moved into this house last summer. I found lots—and I really mean a lot—of journals, diaries, even old blog posts printed and bound in a most embarrassing fashion. There were drafts of personal essays, marked up by classmates and edited, rewritten, then marked up again. Stories about ex-boyfriends and a capella auditions that probably never should have taken place—college memories I was so certain would end up in a literary journal one day.

I have spent most of my life writing down every little thing. In elementary school I wrote stories, in middle and high school I kept journals, and then I discovered blogging in college and knew that theoretically anyone and everyone could read what I wrote but I never really thought anyone other than my roommates and mother would go out of their way to read my reflections on Greek Life, the weird regulars that frequented the coffee shop where I worked over the summer, discussions that took place in my Literary Criticism class, and/or how many miles I ran on any particular weekend.

But they did, and I loved it. I loved sharing my life online, loved hearing from people who enjoyed a particular essay I wrote or maybe had experienced something similar. You couldn’t pay me to read one of my essays in front of a crowd but every time I hit “publish” I felt a rush of excitement and a feeling of productivity—my story was out there.

I graduated and started working and continued to write and Rob and I found ourselves in a long-distance relationship, which lots of people have done, and again I felt seen and heard by readers who were going through or had gone through the same thing. It was less fun when my mom got cancer, or when my parents split up, but still those connections found their way through and made the burden feel a little easier to carry.

We moved and moved and moved again, and Freckled Italian remained. I started working with sponsors and realized that maybe I didn’t need to find a new “permanent” job in every city. I freelanced and temped and blogged and did my best to explore and enjoy every place we called home. I woke up on Sunday mornings and pulled my laptop into bed, coffee on the nightstand, and I wrote.

So yesterday morning, when I woke up earlier than usual to a house still sleeping, I tiptoed downstairs and brought my computer from my desk to my bedside, excited to write whatever came to mind. I snuggled back under the covers, put on my glasses, opened the laptop, and…nothing.

Just a blank screen and a blinking cursor.

And so that’s where I am now—working more and writing less, wondering where to go from here. Savoring every single little and big moment spent with my family, walking the dog and cooking and organizing random corners of the house but hardly ever folding the laundry within a reasonable timeframe—and doing my best to explore and enjoy California while we call it home.

For so long my dream was this blog—creating content and working with sponsors and growing my audience—but then Sophie came along and my priorities shifted slightly. I still love this space, and I love sharing parts of my life here, but sometimes I don’t know where to start—or how far to go. As my daughter gets older and develops more of a personality I find myself wanting to keep her more private. Pregnancy and labor and breastfeeding were very much my experiences, but after a certain point I feel like motherhood becomes less about me and more about her. My experience and her experience are deeply intertwined, but they’re still two different things, and I hope to always respect that.

What a long post I just wrote to tell you basically that I feel like I have nothing to write about—I guess that’s not true after all. Sometimes you just have to start and see where it takes you. I’d like to get back to more of that—I’m here for the rambling, somewhat cringeworthy and oh-so-journal-y posts of 2009 again.

PS I have a “newsletter” now where I sit down to write something every now and then that doesn’t go on the blog. I thought it’d be quarterly but so far it ‘s been every month, so I’m thinking I might send out a new one sometime soon. (But you know, no promises.) You can subscribe here if that sounds fun to you.

PPS Is it possible to have chapped lips for weeks and weeks? Because I have had chapped lips for weeks and weeks. Blog post forthcoming. (Just kidding.)

My mom was in town for a few days so I’ve been a little under the radar as far as blogging and social media goes, but it’s made me want to share what I’ve been up to in real life lately:

• Listening to Hamilton for the first time in a while—we went to see it in San Francisco last night and it was just so amazing. This was my second time seeing it and I always love how every cast puts their own little details into a performance to make it their own.

• Getting ready for my first solo trip since Sophie was born! I’m headed to Florida for a bachelorette party next weekend and I’m excited about a little beach vacation but feeling kind of overwhelmed about being away for the first time.

• Living in this tank top from Tommy John (sponsored). They sent me a couple pieces and I am loving them!

• Working more than I have in a while—I’ve been doing some sales and social media things for a couple different Pure Barre studios, which has been really fun. We finally found a nanny that we love so she watches Sophie a couple mornings a week while I try to get through some work things. I’m actually planning to teach less in the future so I’m happy to still be involved in some other ways—it was such a big part of my life for so long!

• Thinking about Alt Summit—I didn’t go last year and am very excited to get back to Palm Springs and meet some people and hopefully learn a few things while I’m there! I always used to leave Alt feeling so encouraged and ready to write/blog/etc. and after over a year of trying to balance blogging/freelance work/stay-at-home-momming I think I could really use some inspiration.

That’s all from me! Today I’m catching up on a few things after my mom’s visit, hopefully getting Ender out for a long walk before an afternoon of rain, and teaching one Pure Barre class in the evening. What have you been up to lately?

Let’s get one thing straight right away: this dish is not cute. It doesn’t photograph well, it’s not pretty, it almost looks unappetizing. But it is 100% delicious, so I had to post it anyway. (Also sometimes you only get one shot while the baby is napping and this is what I got.)

This is one of those recipes that you throw together with whatever you have in the fridge (or even freezer—if you aren’t keeping emergency cream cheese frozen for whatever reason you might want to consider it), hoping it might end up being a mediocre dinner but then it ends up blowing your mind and you quickly write down the ingredients so you can add it to your weekly recipe rotation.

If you’re cutting carbs, this is perfect with a salad or a side of veggies; but if you aren’t, I think rice or even some nice toasty sourdough would be great. This recipe produces a whole lot of tasty saucy juices that would be delicious sopped up with a bit of fresh bread.

Ingredients:

• About a pound of chicken thighs

• 2 tablespoons butter

• 1/2 of an onion, diced

• 3-4 cloves of garlic, crushed and chopped

• 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper

• 8 ounces of cream cheese

• 1/4 cup of milk (or chicken broth or even water)

• 2 heaping cups of fresh spinach

• About 1 cup of shredded cheese (I used cheddar but you could use whatever you like best)

• Lemon wedges, for serving

• Salt and pepper, to taste

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350. In a large pan, melt half of the butter over medium heat and add the onion. Sauté for 5-7 minutes or until golden-brown. Add the garlic and crushed red pepper and continue to cook for another 2-3 minutes. Remove garlic and onion from pan and set aside.

2. In the same pan, add the rest of the butter and brown chicken thighs for 2-3 minutes per side. Season with salt and pepper. Transfer to a large baking dish.

3. Return the onion and garlic to the pan and add the cream cheese. Reduce heat to medium-low and allow cream cheese to melt. Pour milk in little by little to loosen. Add the spinach and stir gently until combined and spinach begins to wilt/reduce. Transfer to baking dish and use a spatula to spread the spinach and cream cheese mixture evenly over chicken thighs.

4. Transfer to oven and bake at 350 for about 40 minutes, adding shredded cheese on top with about 10-15 minutes of cook time left.

5. To serve, top with more shredded cheese if desired and serve with a lemon wedge.